2001-08-13 - 3:06 p.m.

Right.

I've figured out my beef with Love, and I SWEAR this will be the last entry about it. All those of you who may have been avoiding this diary because it is one long bitch-session about my love life may now feel free to read again.

Love is a crazy idea. Love means you feel a certain way about someone, and that feeling will remain (you solemnly swear) forever. You promise to always feel x for the object of your affection, even if you feel any numhber of other things too. Love is a declaration of safety, 'no matter what I say or do I still Love you'. It allows your other to relax, not worry about your affections, they are granted, and you get that in return as payment. Beautiful, no?

Problem is, I don't think it works that way. Because you don't always feel in love with someone, you doubt, you feel love towards other people, you get angry and depressed and forget about them for a bit. Emotions happen, is what I'm trying to say. You may feel Love, but that feeling is in no way a gaurantee of future affection, nor should it be. Proclaiming Love is a way of papering over those gaps, it's a leap of faith, not in the other, but in yourself, and your emotions. It's a real gamble, isn't it? I don't think it's one that should be made too often.

Now, since we've got Love out of the way, what about love? What the hell does that mean? I think it means being knocked out by someone, it's what Love feels like, but it's temporal, it comes and goes. Imagine the difference between hate and hatred. I hate someone, it's linked to something they do, I'm angry, I despise them. Hatred means implacable resistence, and it lasts forever. That's the difference between Love and love, I think. If love lasts forever, it gets to be Love, but the two are NOT the same thing. Commitment, meanwhile, is something else again. It's not just Love, it's friendship, compatability, comfort, a gamble based on what you want your life to be. It's a positive step, as opposed to a reaction to what you think your emotions ought to be, and want them to be.

That's really about it. To sum up: love, cool. Love, dangerous and maybe illusory. Hate, not even gonna get into it.

And we now return you to your regularly scheduled programming. Next entry: Billy returns, and merriment ensues!

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