2001-10-29 - 1:24 p.m.

Sweet God, the procrastinations of the damned are tough to take. Especially when the damned and procrastinating one is myself. Things have actually happened since I last updated, so there is much to say.

But first: The more normal my life is, the less need I feel to write here. That's a little disappointing. It means to be interesting I have to be manic-depressive, or what not. I should probably buy my angst in bulk, or I'll never become a diaryland superstar. Oh well.

Well, something good happened. I auditioned (my first in about 3 months) for a production of 'A Christmas Carol.' Of course, those of you who know me are saying right now to yourselves: 'as who? Tiny Tim? The answer is NO! I did not audition for the diminutive saccharine schmuck, but rather as the nephew, Fred, as Young Ebeneezer, and as Jacob Marley.

Yup, Jacob Marley.

I am, to point out the obvious, a bit wrong for that part, but they seem keen on it. I am not old, and Jacob Marley was certainly that. I am not physically impressive, and Jacob Marley would seem to have been that as well. I'm not even dead, and we all know Jacob Marley was certainly dead. So why me? I'm short, I'm stupid, I'm a cripple... no, wait, that's Verbal Kint. Why me? Because baby, I can scream. A large, loud, inhuman scream like the dying of a false God. No amplification needed, thank you. They were impressed enough to say flat out they are using me, they just don't know where yet, and to offer me an audition for their next production, 'Toys in the Attic' by Lillian Hellman of 'The Children's Hour' fame. That is the sort of credit I can really use. Plus, it's a paying gig. $15 a performance! Nothing for rehearsals! But It's still professional, and it means some contacts and exposure. I'm all for it!

One other thing I rememebered at the audition, aside from how much I really love acting: I'm pretty good. I can act, I'm not fooling myself, and I can tell whether or not I'm doing it right. This is a huge relief, mes amis. I'm applying, or rather, preparing my application to Yale school of Acting right now. So I'm going insane with self-doubt and panic. What if I screw up? What if I'm not good? I can't possibly make it, everyone else is so good. This is all true, most likely. But you know what? I don't care. If Yale sees me audition, and I give it everything I've got, and they say 'sorry, not good enough', it won't change a damn thing. Either I'm talented enough to interest them, or I'm not, and that's that. Worrying and panicking won't change a thing, and at least this way I'll know. That's not to say I'm staking my professional life on this, but I am staking my belief in myself as a first-rate talent. But even if I'm not, life is long, and I'll move up someday.

Anyway, I should be writing my Statement of Purpose right now, but I'm stuck on what to say. Do I play up my knowledge of Theater? My personal philosophy of Acting? Play on Yale's love of hearing itself praised? The calculations are many and delicate. I'm really scared. I'm scared of commiting something to writing, taking a chance and sending it in, and not being able to get it back, cause so much is riding on it. But I have to write something, don't I? I'm going to finish it today, I'm gonna send it off to the people I'm getting to do my Letters of reference, and then I'm gonna go to the first rehearsal for the play. I'm gonna get started, so to speak. Wish me luck in life, cause this is where I start it.

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