2001-12-16 - 2:31 p.m.

Right.

What I need is a support group for idiots. I'm conflicted, I let important things slide, I concentrate on the wrong things. I half expect the universe to take care of my destiny for me, and that's exactly the trap that sucks up other actors into oblivion. I'm lost in the minutiae of working. I don't have enough time, like I did in college. I miss that. I have to set up my auditions for the Grad Schools, I've let that slide WAY too long. I need to breathe a bit, get my head together. Christmas is much more stressful than it should be. Probably due to my not having bought a single present yet. But I'll feel better after tonight. It's my last night at work at Bones, so I wont have to worry about that for a while. Here's to my future job prospects. The worst is, that I don't have time to look for another job, because all my nights are busy. I need one day where I have nothing to do. Just one. Haven't had one since October. Guh.

I got an email from and Old Flame out of nowhere. It's good to know she's still alive, and that she remembers me. I want to reestablish contact, but I'm not at all certain how healthy that would be. I'd probably fixate again, might ignore my actual surroundings in favor of imaginary ones. I feel a great swelling in my belly, a scream waiting to come out, tear things up, annihilate the world for a while. It's a fancy way of saying 'frustration' but damn me if I don't have a poetic soul. Or at least the ability to fake it. Either way, conflicted I remain. I will write her back, but I'll keep in the back of my mind the fact that I need to concentrate on the here and now. But honestly, I'm really glad she wrote.

�

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