2001-06-22 - 12:05 p.m.

All right, I've gotten a few responses from my last post, mostly sounding very worried about my mental health. I would just like to assure everyone who reads this (all two of you) that I'm fine. And I actually mean that, I'm not saying 'I'm fine' meaning 'I'm a psychotic bastard, send for help before I assasinate Mickey Mouse', I'm saying 'I'm fine' as in 'Really, I'm cool'. So no worries.

I think I was just a little philosophical for a bit there. I love life, especially the one I seem to be living, but I do recognize the necessity to, well, justify your existence, at least to yourself. And I seem to be hard to please when it comes to that. And doesn't THAT sound ridiculously pretentious? "Oh yes, I am so alone in my intelligence and high standards that I live in a constant state of Angst. GERMAN Angst!" Either that, or Catholic guilt, you know, whichever. Actually, I don't think I would have been an existentialist if I hadn't been catholic first. I think that Catholicism, and the more high church Protestants, have a very profound sense of what Sartre calls being 'de trop', unnecessary, ground into them from birth, and that I think, is really the source of the famed guilt complexes we have. There is God, all-creator, observing us and the world, and that perspective I think makes everything absurd. And we quasi-existentialists feel a need to create meaning out of that absurdity, but you can't do that until you recognize the total absurdity of meaning itself. I think I'm presented with two possibilities. I can see the void underlying my life and the world, and I can say 'screw it, I'm going for it anyway' or I can go nihilist and say 'fuck it, its all shite.' Malraux put it best, I think: Absurdists laugh with the world, nihilists laugh at it. Seeing as we haven't hit the punchline yet, I think I'll give it the benefit of the doubt. It's only fair.

So aside from my long dark night of the soul, things are going pretty well. I got the callback for the commercial I wrote about, and I did really well. I've got this auditioning thing down, I think. Still haven't heard back from them, but I probably won't until Monday anyway. I went to a reherasal yesterday for my improv group. We're doing a safety show for a local manufacturing business. The workforce makes anal probes, and they don't really speak english, so this should be interesting. My 3 years of high school spanish shall not have been in vain! Or rather, they shall be because I didn't learn papas. I stand to makes $75 a show, with the option of doing 4 shows, so that's a good $300. That I really need. I'm also polishing up my resume, gonna send it in to kelly anyday now. I just need to figure out what resumes look like, and I'll be all set.

OK, this is a long post, and I'll cut off here. But I'm fine. No worries.

�

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