2001-06-19 - 12:38 p.m.

OK, its about time for a new entry, I think.

First news is, my family home is being sold, which means a lot of 'moving': moving boxes, bookshelves, beds etc. Finally truly realized two things. One, we are moving (I AM a quick one) and two, we have too much stuff. I sold a boat load of books and got $30. Not terrible. I'm a little sad, quite frankly. I can't shake the feeling that the family is breaking up, like the actors on an old, but well loved, TV show. MASH had to go, and now so does my family. I like to think we're being retired with dignity. I don't know how relations are going to work in the future. My mom's gonna be in California, my dad's gonna be in Hollywood FL, and I'll be getting an apartment in the next month and a half. Billy will be in NY, and Katy in Orlando. Fitting choice of university for a woman who constantly talks about her next trip to Disney World and Universal.

Smoked out a lot recently, and I'm starting to worry about that. The THC seems to stick with me for almost a day after I stop smoking. I feel tired a lot, but not as bad as I have in the past. This stuff, by the way, is prime dank dizzity. And it has done something to me. Two nights ago, while smoking, I suddenly saw my life from the point of view of a cold and distant God. Not only was I ludicrous, my family was as well, we were all absurd and loathsome. Literally every memory I had was turned to slag in this long dark tea time of the soul. While the paranoia and revulsion left me, the essential feeling did not. I realize now that LIFE is loathsome and absurd, not just me and mine. That made me feel better, let me tell you. The very impermanence of existence turns every relationship into a contingency, and bleaches 'meaning' from every act, great or small. There really is nothing but contingent meaning. Anything I think means anything has to be held as meaningful to have meaning at all. There is nothing good or bad but thinking makes it so. On the down side, this means that I'll just have to work VERY hard to maintain relationships, I can't let anything slide or it will dissolve. I'll have to create meaning myself.

Final note, and quite on the upside. I recently did an audition for a national commercial, named 'Lawnboy'. If I get it, I'm the title character, giving my employer my 'insider info' on the stock market. Pretty funny, good script. I got callback today, so with any luck, I'm $1000 richer. Also, I have not given up my faith in God, just my pretention that I could ever come face-to-face with Her. After all, a truly Good God would see our absurd dramas and laugh and cry with us. The only difference between the movies and life is that movies have an audience to make sense of them.Maybe that's why I love them, and acting.

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