2002-03-22 - 12:32 p.m.

Damn it all to Hell.

I just got the rejection from the Asolo. This is a much bigger blow than NYU even. Asolo was supposed to be the safety school, the one I'd get into, the one I had connections with, the school with a history of accepting NC grads, the school I'd interned for, and worked with, and knew. I'd seen the actors they take in, and knew I was better, knew I was more real, more connected to truth, a better actor. Not, however, good enough to be one of them. I'm putting off thinking about this for a while, especially because of what it means: my premonitions were correct, I wasn't good enough, my fears were true. That woman was laughing at me. I'm not the great actor I thought I was, hamstrung by my inability to project normalcy, to get out of my head, to act. To paraphrase O'Neill, 'It was a great pity my being born an actor. I would have been much more successfull as a seagull, or a critic.' My hopes for grad school, and direction in life, now rely entirely on Yale. On getting into Yale. On somehow being better than the 1000 other people who applied, to get into the sanctus sanctorum, to go where angels fear to audition. I won't get in, but I really like the idea of saying 'Well, there's always Yale!' Like riding the A-bomb down to earth, whooping and screaming the whole way down, knowing that way madness and death lie, terrified at the sinking pit of your stomach, but enjoying the ride anyway. I'm putting my faith into this drop: I need to put my faith into something. It's time to see how bad committing can be, what really happens when you open yourself up to life and it kicks you in the balls. I have to know the nature of the beast, stripped of romance and saddle, know those jaws, those teeth, by being devoured. Because if I can't stand it, if it does destroy me, I wouldn't be cut out to act anyway.

If I can't be a glorious success, then I swear to God and all that is good in this world, on all that I care about, that I will be a glorious failure. God is my audience, and I will not bore Him.

�

�

previous - next

[ Previous 5 Sites | Skip Previous | Previous | Next ]

This RingSurf New College Diaryring Net Ring
owned by Pretentious White-boy Musings.

[ Skip Next | Next 5 Sites | Random Site | List Sites ]