2002-03-28 - 11:48 a.m.

Well, for the first time in my life, I've turned down an acting gig because of money. Shakespeare, at that, with several actors I've worked with before. I'm just too close to being debt free, and maybe building up a little reserve, to be able to chuck it away for a non-paying gig. Hopefully, the director will not black-list me, and maybe he'll use me in some roles in future. Damn, I don't like this moment at all. It seems like some kind of betrayel of all that I hold dear, or rather, held dear when I was 12 and stupid. I like to think that, rather than surrendering my idealism to the cold world of reality, I'm instead proving myself responsible. And as proof of that, I submit that I nearly accepted the job, and quit Vienna (or at least worked many fewer hours there). That nearly is important: it means I made a choice, a conscious decision, that right now paying off debt is more important to me than acting. It means I'm moving from simply wanting, and needing, to be an actor, to plotting a way to do it. Not a surrender to reality, but rather a willingness to work with it. To compromise. In the hurricane, it is the stiff, unyielding Oak who has more to fear than the pliant, soft weed. Compromise is only a dirty word to those who don't know what they want to do: the Oak wanted to be strong and tough, when the weed knew that staying rooted was the name of the game. Similarly, to live well I need to act, but first I need to live.

I think my new mantra is going to be "Life is Long". Not in that it doesn't end, but in that it doesn't end tomorrow (if we're lucky). There is not one thing that we do on this earth, there are many: there is room for the artist turned cop, the cop turned criminal, the sinner's repentance and saint-hood, and the saint's flirtation with Zen. There are many things to do, but almost as much time to do it in. That is a nice thought.

Passover was last night: that meant that I made no money. Either our customer base is 90% Jewish, or we just have a lot of Goyish fellow travelers. Hopefully, tonight will be less spare, since the second night is rarely celebrated by the Reform, Conservative, or Secular-minded. Had a little motzah myself last night: the opackage had a little Hebrew written on it, and I managed to translate it: Kasher L'Pesach, Kosher for passover. Felt very good about meself.

I also feel a lot better regarding Grad School: some of that is time, a lot of it is the consolations and encouraging words of my friends Achlis, Actionhero, and a certain Old Flame. Thanks for that. An aquaintance from NC also is quoted as saying that most grad schools are looking for people in their late twenties, with lots of experience under their belts, and I'd bet that's true. Doesn't matter much, anyway. No, that's not true, it matters a lot, I'm upset, but not out. I'll just have to spend my time actually trying to live instead of trying to hide in school again. When I get in to grad school, it will be a choice on my part, entirely free, and without any hidden fear or attempt to hide. I will be so good, that they will let me in on my own terms. I will be famous, and I won't need anything to prove me to myself: I've already done that.

On a related note: I just got the rejection from Yale. Nicely worded, but not as horrible as NYU and Asolo. My life is now open to planning, to reconsideration, to moving on. I'm out of the dead-zone, and that's nice too. Time to build contacts, increase my skills, and target my goal: getting an Equity card. From now on, my diary will feature a section detailing what I'm doing to fulfill that. My life as an actor begins today.

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