2002-04-12 - 12:15 p.m.

Padraig plays Plaigiarism, ponders potent potential presidency, presents powers-that-be and political parties with partial presents of pernicious perspicacity.

Now I know that didn't make a whole hell of a lot of sense, but sometimes, you need to rhyme. Or in my case, alliterate.

The actual point of that was to introduce a little something I'm stealing from Heph and Actionhero, a little intellectual excercize stolen in turn from 'George' magazine, entitled 'If I were President.' Considering the amount of punk philosophizing that foes into this diary, this won't be too much of a stretch, and anyway, fantasy is fun. So here goes:

A Very Padraig Presidency.

WHY SHOULD WE ELECT YOU?

Because I refuse to be bound by any code of secrecy. You may call me the saran-wrap president, for I will make our government entirely see-through. Basically, publish exactly what our tax dollars go for, what the CIA has been up to, exact number of foreign heads-of-state assasinated, budget numbers on cost-versus-benefits for the war on drugs, as well as a complete catalogue of the contents of Area 51. Everything a conspiracy theorist could possibly want. I figure that'll spare us any more movies regarding Kennedy's connection to the Illuminati, the Masons, or the Mob. I might get assisnated by the CIA or Oliver Stone for this behavior, but hey, what a way to go!

HOW WOULD YOU RAISE MONEY FOR YOUR CAMPAIGN?

Probably position myself as a pro-business proto-fascist, collect massive amounts of money from Bill Gates and other like-minded individuals, and then do a complete 180 as soon as I've got enough money. Since I believe that corporate sponsorship of elections is an evil thing anyway, I will not feel bad about ripping them off. Caveat Emptor, and all that.

WHAT IS YOUR CAMPAIGN SLOGAN?

'Ever felt like REALLY pissing off the government?' 'Padraig, a man with nothing to hide', followed by a streaking campaign, or maybe 'Guns don't kill people, countries with irresponsible foreign policies combined with a messianic complex and access to nuclear weapons do.'

WHICH OF YOUR ACTIVITIES WOULD PRESENT THE GREATEST CHALLENGE TO YOUR SPIN DOCTORS?

My propensity for Socialist rhetoric, pot-smoking, flagrant and unapologetic womanizing, Catholicism, Secular-Humanism, Sartrean Existentialism, and really bad poetry.

HOW MUCH PERSONAL INFORMATION DO VOTERS HAVE A RIGHT TO KNOW ABOUT YOU?

Everything. But my life is kinda boring, so maybe I'd have to goose it up a bit. Spread rumours of carnal knowledge in the capitol, wiccan rites at midnight on Halloween, Orgiastic Bacchanals involving French maids and Swedish stewardesses, and a list of drugs to make Keith Richards blush. Then refuse to confirm or deny anything. When the truth finally comes out, I think the public will be so relieved that they'll love me all the more.

WHAT WOULD BE YOUR FAVORITE PRESIDENTIAL PERK?

Threatening economic sanctions against anyone who cuts me off on the freeway. 'Mr Bob Jones in the red Camaro, we know who you are! Yeild right-of-way immediately, or your credit rating will be used to line the presidential cat box!' Re-writing History to suit my taste, and sense of fashion.

NAME ONE PERSON YOU'D APPOINT TO THE CABINET

My brother, Billy: Secretary of Labor (with power to 'deal' with corporations aplenty). Heph: Secretary of State, official carrier of the 'football'. Actionhero: Secretary of Defense and Two-Gun Mojo. Malraux: Secretary of Education, head of a newly empowered PBS. My coat-tails will be long and plentiful.

WHAT IS THE BIGGEST PROBLEM IN THE WORLD TODAY, AND HOW WOULD YOU FIX IT?

Corporate innaccountability. And I don't mean Arthur Anderson's difficulties with math. Corporations are fast becoming mini-states with no loyalty to any government. But, to operate in the USA, they have to be licensed. I would start using this fact to extract concessions on good working conditions, equitable pay, environmental sensitivity, and restriction of influence peddling. We're the largest consumer base in the world: what are they gonna do, not deal with us?

WRITE THE FIRST NEWS HEADLINES ABOUT YOUR ADMINISTRATION

'UN RECEIVES LONG OVER-DUE US FUNDS: TOLD TO KEEP THE TIP'

'MINIMUM WAGE INCREASED TO $12 AN HOUR: McDONALDS PLEADS BANKRUPTCY'

'FEDERAL GOVERNMENT REORGANIZED: LOCAL ASSEMBLIES TO BE GIVEN BULK OF POWER, FEDS TO KEEP CUMPULSORY MINIMUM FUNDING LEVELS FOR EDUCATION, PUBLIC WORKS.'

'TAX BURDEN SHIFTED TO WEALTHY, CORPORATIONS: 'AND MAKE ME A SANDWICH, BITCH' SAYS PREZ TO ENRON.'

'PRESIDENT GIVES ENTIRE STATE OF UNION ADDRESS IN SWAHILI: REPUBLICANS BURST INTO FLAMES'

WHAT PERSONS - LIVING, DEAD, OR FICTIONAL - WOULD YOU MODEL YOURSELF AFTER?

Bugsy Seagal, Atilla the Hun, Eisenhower, Washington, Ghandi.

WHAT WOULD BE WHITE HOUSE READING?

Books of history, language manuals, Kafka, O Neill, and everything else I can get my hands on.

WHAT WOULD YOU LEGALIZE?

Weed, assault not ending in serious injury, prostitution, the repeated bitch-slapping of all pimps, unless they get down on their knees and recko'nize who makes their damn money for them. Same goes for CEOs and their workers.

WHAT THREE OBJECTS MUST YOU HAVE IN THE OVAL OFFICE AT ALL TIMES?

Me Myself and I.

WHO WOULD YOU INVITE TO STAY IN THE LINCOLN BEDROOM?

Pictures and essays on why I should pick you can be submitted to my e-mail address. Wear something revealing, but not, you know, complicated.

�

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