2002-07-11 - 1:50 p.m.

I'm starting to sense a pattern.

Half my time I spend convinced of inevitable failure: recognitions of mortality, fallibility, and infinity impose themselves in an orderly fashion, and the worst case scenario becomes the calm and rational appraisal. At some point, I make some basic desicion on how to alter my life in recognition of impending doom, and then, out of nowhere, things get a lot better. It's good to see it, but I know I've seen this phenomenon before, and rediscovering it is no guarantee I'll remember it when I'm low. Like there's some divide in my mental landscape, a low sea separating my ups and my downs. A little absurd, but very amusing.

Anyway, to explain my new up. I finally did it. I figured out how to sing. All the notes are totally in my range, I have no trouble singing it really well without bothering to think or worry about it. Somehow, I remembered to relax and enjoy myself, and all of a sudden there was nothing to worry about. The song is so easy and fun to do now that I can barely remember what made it so tough to do in the first place. My acting is really good again: I'm getting to the point where I can cry regularly at the final scene (which works really well) and feel that joyous trembling that is acting every night. If I can keep this up, I might make the final breakthrough into truly acting on a regular basis. Never have to rely on fate, or chance, or nerves again, simply know how to do it. Sustained genius, continuous lightning. It's pretty exciting all told. I'm gonna be really good.

On another front, I think I've got a girlfriend. On Saturday night, I did an Improv show, which also sort of goes with the above paragraph. I hadn't done one in a few weeks, and I had been pretty crap at it then. So I was worrying about doing the show, and half convinced I would finally be entirely unfunny that night. I had agreed to do this show because I felt I needed to throw myself at my fears. Bravest thing I've done all year, lemme tell you. Anyway, the show went like butter, I was really funny, had a few great lines, and didn't lock up once. I knew what to do. Like with the song. Anyway, after this little triumph, I was talking with the other actors and a woman who was in the audience, and was in training, but had not joined the troupe yet. We cracked jokes at one another, talked a bit, and generally flirted in the way that only two Improv actors can (that is, really annoyingly). She was cute, had a good sense of humour, and seemed to be digging me. All to the good.

Today, she sent me an e-mail saying she had missed me at rehearsal, would I be in the next show? and gave her phone number with instructions to give her a call so that we could hang out some time. Boo Yeah. Hell Yes. Boom Shakalakalaka, etc.

To sum up: Life is good.

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