2002-06-30 - 12:25 p.m.

Well, it's time to articulate a few fears. Unfounded these fears may feel, but grounded, they grow and congeal. Or something like that. Basically I got my wish, and then didn't, and now I'm not entirely certain I want to be chasing my dream anyway. Allow me to explain.

First off, I had to quit the Hobbit. In three months of scheduling rehearsals and performances there was just one conflict, but it meant missing two performances. Both shows were running two shows each that day, at the same times. Even forgetting the hour and a half long drive between the two, it would have been physically impossible. So, I'm still not as Ueber busy as I wanted to be, which gives me lots of time to consider my doubts. I'm having trouble in the other show. My acting is really good, I can tell, and I'm getting nothing but praise as far as that goes. It's my singing I'm worried about. Two of the other actors (out of 5) are highly trained and highly skilled. I am not. I'm having a lot of trouble figuring out how to sing my song, both because of the notes (in my range, but slippery when I try to hit them) and because of the emotional content. I don't have an actor's handle on it yet, and that's keeping me from being able to act it, which would really help me sing it. I think it will just take time, effort, practise, and a lot of scene work to get it, but it makes me wonder.

I'm wondering if I'm cut out for this acting thing at all. Not in temrs of ability, at least, not in terms of pure acting ability. I'm worried about whether or not I have the stuff to be an actor. I simply can't imagine myself on camera, or on stage, I can't see myself as anything other than an interloper. That's just nerves, but damn strong ones. I also find it difficult to spend my life working on one show after another without any sense to it. What's the point? Finish one show so I can do another. Get rich and famous if I'm lucky, which alone doesn't really appeal to me, become a mid-level slug in bad revivals if I'm not, and if I'm downright unlucky, be stuck doing community theater like several other actors I know. I'd rather die than chase my dream into the gutter, like a boxer without hands.

I watched Gosford Park last night, one of the servants says he wanted to be an actor, when he was younger. That's what I want to avoid with all my soul: getting out only to look back through the window at what might have been. But is that vision of the future any sort of balm? Will I feel fulfilled if I can just be seen by an audience, saying someone else's lines, rehearsing constantly, and always full of the fear of being found out for a fraud? Do I enjoy acting, or the thrill of putting myself through Hell, only to be saved at the end? Would I enjoy acting if I actually did get hounded out? What am I afraid of?

I am afraid of finding out my own mediocrity. I want to shine, do something extraordinary, be good at what I do. I could never be the Buddha precisely because I want to be the Buddha more than anything. All in all, I'm still presented with life, in all its glorious mess. There is no path I could choose that would guarantee anything, choice is only choosing the risks you want to face. He who does not risk, can not win, I know. It's not the risks I'm afraid of, it's the fear of risk that's killing me. The question is not, will I suceed, but will success mean anything? What the hell am I chasing after? That's what's so horrible about disillusionment: you simply can not head it off, and yet it is inevitable, even if you see it coming. You can't make any choices without a few illusions to make it seem that one choice is fundamentally better than another. We have to see more green across the fence if we ever want to get over it. Why is that fence so important? Why do we climb it, knowing full well the grass is only greener because the person in charge of it uses more fertilizer? God knows I have generate enough bull-shit on my own to fertilize a dozen yards.

Anyway, long and the short of it, I'm leaving off deciding for the moment. I'll do this play, and I'll see how well I do, and go from there. If I'm really unhappy after doing this show on stage, if performance doesn't make me happy, then I will leave the game, climb the fence for greener pastures. If I find in this show a reason to keep going, then I will. Because I think I'd really enjoy being a diplomat.

"There will be time ... for a hundred visions and revisions before the taking of toast and tea." -TS Elliot

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