2002-06-13 - 9:51 p.m.

God DAMNIT I'm bored.

Unemployement would be a hell of a lot more fun if I had a life. NOTE TO SELF: get life from 'Bob's Discount Social-lives'. They have a great deal on their 'disco king' models right now. Seriously, I'm desperate for female companionship, and the one real prospect I had is attached. To a guy. At the wrists and ankles. That is sort of the great irony of dating: those whom you want are exactly those who are the most likely to be dating someone else. The question 'why are all the good ones taken?' is really its own answer. Guh, and so forth.

I'm also desperate to start rehearsaing for the plays, but I've still got until Monday to even start on the first one. I did get the scripts, both excellant, and the scores are also top-notch, but without the rehearsal process there's only so much I can do to improve. And of course, that's exactly what the problem is. I need to get better at acting so I can remind myself that I'm good at it. It's like a drug, my uber-caffeine. I need acting to feel normal.

On the other hand, I'm getting better at watching myself, and figuring out my emotional states: I can predict, and even minimize (to a certain extent) the lows in my psychic health. I'm getting into one now, brought on by the uncertainty in which I'm still mired, compounded by my failure to be irresistable to aforementioned woman. I also know that it will disappear once I'm too busy to think about it. Same goes for my social life: as soon as I don't need a girlfriend, they'll be throwing themselves at me by the bushel. It's good to know that this-too-shall-pass, but it don't make it much easier to pass through. I'm cutting out the caffeine: it makes me nervous, and that's about the last thing I need, I know you'll all agree.

I went to NYC last week, and had a great time. Hung out with my brother, engaged in illicit activities which shall remain nameless, and danced and flirted with two beautiful women at a bar in Hell's Kitchen. That was great, because it was myself, Billy, and several friends from High-school at this bar, and only Billy (followed by myself) had the guts to talk, drink, flirt, and dance with these beautiful women. Grinding was involved, but only with the aid of strong intoxicants. Sadly, they left the bar in an effort to make us chase them, but we were in no mood for such frivolity. Actually, we didn't recognize the ploy for what it was, so we just felt dejected, and had another beer. I also smuggled a pipe and a little herb through the various air-ports I traversed, which was deeply stupid, and dangerous, and dumb. But if you can't do something dangerousd and dumb every once in a while, what are you? Smart, yes, but also obediant. I like to think I made a small blow for rebellion and against unfair drug-laws that day, gbut then, I also like to believe in fairies and Santa Claus, so take that with a grain of salt. Allison, if she is reading this, is shaking her head right now, and asking herself "whatever happened to the sweet boy I knew, who didn't try to get his ass carted off to jail just when things were going his way". Honestly, Allison, I'm not entirely certain. It's just my year of living dangerously, I guess. The stupid risks are a way of putting the easy and necessary risks into perspective.

Take care of yourselves, my friends. If you don't, who among us can say they know who will?

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